


Catfishing the Catfish

by Caffeine_Talking



Category: Starfighter (Comic), Starfighter Eclipse
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Blood, Bondage, False Identity, Fights, Humor, Knifeplay, M/M, Occasional Threesomes, Porn With Plot, Sexting, Slow Burn, Texting, and a hell of a lot of other stuff, i'll add tags as i go, it is plot-heavy though, pinky promise?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-05-29 17:46:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15078368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffeine_Talking/pseuds/Caffeine_Talking
Summary: Set after Starfighter: Eclipse, Deimos’ rout. The one with Cain/Deimos/Helios threesome. Can be stretched to fit Cain’s route. The one with (you guessed it) Cain/Helios/Selene threesome. Whatever floats your boat. Abel's still with us, bitchy as ever.Cain is bored, like really bored. He signs up for this dating website for shits and giggles and even hits it off with someone from Mars colonies. They text, they sext,  but it all hits the fan when Cain's online companion asks him for a small favor. From then on, it's up to Deimos to figure out what the hell is going on and why colterons are all up in their business.POV alteration between Cain and Deimos.I would really appreciate feedback.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native English speaker and this is my first fic. Beware.
> 
> Cain's texts are in bold, his online companion's are in italic.

POV Cain

Damned Helios and his stupid ideas. ‘Sign up for this website’ he said. ‘It’s full of desperate aspiring fighters and navigators’ he said. Dating app my ass. More trouble than it’s worth.

I was sitting in the mess deck, unimpressed with today’s meal. The slop of food in front of me smelled disgusting. Something between rotten eggs and burnt pork. The look of it wasn't exactly captivating either. Why do they even feed us this shapeless gray mess anyway? Judging by the look, it might as well have a life of its own. Maybe it has a gray sloppy wife hiding somewhere in the kitchen with five shapeless, disgustingly smelling slops of kids wishing for their daddy to come back. Just as I was contemplating letting this thing into the wild, Deimos, who was sitting beside me, brushed my leg under the table.

“What is it, myshonok?” I asked. Deimos, per usual, didn't say anything. He just nodded in the direction of navigators’ table. Apparently, Abel has decided to brighten our fucking day with his presence. A couple of cheerful laughs came from navigators' table, as they made room for Abel to sit.

“Who cares,” I said. Deimos’ eyes opened wider as he rose an eyebrow. I didn't exactly tell him that my relationship with Abel was a bit rocky since the whole brainwashing scandal hit the fan. Abel was a whiny little bitch that kept on whining just for the fuck of it, even after Selene practically bailed him out of brig and made Hayden pardon his treason charges despite having some busted screens and a bunch of alien data as evidence.

As if Abel’s constant nagging wasn't enough for me to strangle him at night, he decided not to put out until we had a talk about feeling our feelings. And after we were done talking I didn't want to put out. I was avoiding him at all costs since we returned to base, convinced that after another one of those talks I’d start growing lady parts.

I wasn't alone on the ‘let’s get away from Abel’ quest though. Selene, after spending a couple nights listening to Abel bitch about his feelings, wanted nothing to do with it either and volunteered for the first away mission he could. Helios was so jazzed that he skipped scheduled threesome with us and spent the night showing Selene his appreciation. Not that Deimos and I had a bad time without him. That’s the beauty of threesomes after all. Even if someone stood you up, you still get some.

I took out my data pad: no new messages. The annoyance inside grew. Maybe I’m using this website wrong? But then again, how many ways are there to text someone. Or maybe I shouldn't have posted someone else’s photo instead of my own? Nah, Helios didn't use his own photos either. Too paranoid Selene would find out. Plus, the idea to use this particular photo was hilarious.

I smiled to myself and stood up. It was time to do some training, maybe that would take my mind off things. I gave Deimos a slap on the back and left the mess deck aiming for fighters base level.

******

 **WTF** **YOU TAKE LIKE FOREVER TO REPLY**

I entered the room and slammed the door behind me before landing on my bunk. Only then I noticed Abel backing off to the bathroom door. This guy’s paranoia is hilarious.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing.” I looked across the room. This shit sucks. Tiny little box, barely better than a prison cell. Every day was the same - repetitive and _boring_. It felt like I was stuck on a deserted island with someone annoying constantly screaming in my ear. Except I was on fire, and the island was on fire, and everything was on fire, because boredom is hell. This constant gnawing at my brain was frustrating. I was becoming more and more restless, picking up fights and doing dumb stuff, like signing up for a fucking dating site just to distract myself.

Abel, reassured that I wasn't after him, returned back to his place and started typing loudly. Should have thrown his data pad out the airlock when I had a chance. Or better yet, shove Abel into human waste disposal system.

My mind started going through options that might elevate my boredom as I stared at the ceiling. Helios was on some bullshit mission, Abel and I were not on good terms, and Deimos, despite all positives, still didn't talk. On a similar note, no one talked to me period. I checked my pad again. This bitch has been ignoring me for three days straight. The hell is wrong with this kid? Does he think I have nothing better to do?

**WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DATA PAD IF YOU DON’T FUCKING USE IT**

This is getting ridiculous. I sent the pad flying to the other side of the bed. If he’s not texting me, I’m not gonna text him either. What’s he doing out there anyway? Probably whoring himself out, what else... Not gonna text him. Definitely not. I looked at my pad lying aimlessly on the bed, screen down. Probably should let him know I’m not gonna text him. I picked the pad up, a wave of annoyance washed over me yet again when I saw there was still no response.

 **FUCK YOU** **DON'T EXPECT ME TO TEXT YOU AGAIN**

Probably should tell him not to text me. Yeah, that’s right.

**AND DON'T YOU DARE TEXT ME**

**Hoe**

Yeah, that’s about it. Can happily go to sleep now. I changed out of my clothes quickly, sensing Abel’s gaze on my bare skin.

“Quit typing, princess, we’re going to bed.”

Abel all but jumped in his sit. “But I’m not done yet,” he said, eyes wide open.

“Did I say, ‘if it pleases your highness’? Kill the lights, I’m tired.”

“Oh, ok.” Abel stood up and turned the lights out. The room was highlighted by his data pad, which he quickly turned off before sliding under the covers.

“Cain?” I've heard him whisper.

“Princess?”

“Do you want to, you know... Talk?” I growled and rubbed my face with both hands. Not this again.

“About what?” I said, a little bit rougher that I intended. 

“You know, stuff?”

I shifted in the bad. The bubble of rage was growing somewhere inside my chest. I desperately tried to combat it. Unfortunately for Abel I wasn't too successful.

“I’m fresh out of fucking stuff to say to you, Abel.”

“Never mind then.” Abel turned to face the wall and the room was finally silent. But I had a feeling this wasn't over just yet. Because why would it be? I've heard Abel sit in his bed. My whole body got tense, preparing for yet another one of his hissy fits.

“You know, if you talked to me for once, you wouldn't be so angry all the time.” He pouted.

Here we go again. I tried to gather my thoughts and speak calmly, not wanting to turn whatever this was into a screaming match. “I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“But why?”

“No reason," I said, clenching my teeth. "Just don’t feel like talking.”

“You said you don’t want to talk to _me_.” God almighty. Should have stayed at Deimos’ room this time. Or better yet at Helios’ room, so I wouldn't take my frustration on this fucker Phobos if he started bitching about me being there.

“Don’t be childish,” I finally said, still trying my best to not get rude on him.

“Childish? Childish?!” Abel yelled. “How about you listen to me?! You don’t do it anymore! You’re working late all the time. And I see how you look at Helios… And Deimos. I have feelings, you know-”

I finally snapped. “Yes, I fucking know! I know, Helios and Selene know. Hell, even Deimos knows. Everyone and their mother know about your fucking feelings!” I jumped out of bed, banging on the light switch with my fist. I pulled on pants and grabbed the jacket.

“Where are you going?”

“Literally anywhere!”

I was already down at the elevators, when I felt like I forgot something. My fucking data pad was still in the room. Damn. I turned around and went back. When I entered the room again, Abel was sitting with his back against the wall, his eyes red.

“Go away,” he said as soon as he saw me. “I don’t need your pity.” He probably though that I was here to comfort him.

“As you wish, princess,” I said, grabbing my pad and out the door I was, aiming for Helios’ room. He didn't give me the entry code for nothing.

I pushed my way into Helios' room and went for the bottom bunk. I layed there tired, annoyed, and generally frustrated with my life. I closed my eyes, trying to think of something pleasant. My mind drifted to a fight I saw earlier this morning. The look of blood on somebody’s face always made me smile, but this time it was hard to fall asleep. I kept looking at the clock, trying to calculate how many hours of sleep I’d get, if I fell asleep right this instant. At about 0300 hours my tired mind started to give up just as I heard my pad go off. I was still for a few seconds. What if it’s something urgent? I opened my eyes and sat in the bed.

_Did you call me a hoe?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know there is a crater on Mars that resembles the brain?

POV Cain

_Did you call me a hoe?_

I fetched a sigh. Yesterday’s angry outburst has come to bit me in the ass. But then again, maybe not. I needed a smoke, so I took my pad and went to the bathroom.

**In a good way**

_So, I’m a good hoe?_

**Why did you ignore me**

_Didn't_ _ignore you. I was sleeping_

**With whom**

_I just woke up, can you give me a minute before getting weird_

**You expect me to believe that you've legit been asleep**

_Yeah?_

**FOR THREE DAYS?!**

_That’s the closest to death one can get without cutting one's wrists or calling a bunch of Martian mob members pussies_  
_Besides_  
_Not much else to do on Mars. I was bored_

I took a cigarette out of the pack and lit it. He’s right, there’s nothing real exciting about Mars colonies. But even then, I don’t buy sleeping in for three days, especially since he was supposed to start advanced individual training right about now. I never went through with AIT, but I remember what it was like in basic. We weren’t allowed to even come close to the bunk until lights out. Once this one fucker decided it was a smart idea to sit on his bunk to tie up his shoe, our Drill Sergeant almost lost it and we all got 100% fireguards for like two weeks.

_You’re done being psycho?_

**No**

_Don’t be a bitch_

I took a long drag on my cigarette. If he wants to play stupid, I’m not gonna reciprocate.

_Don’t you dare ignore me_

I didn’t respond, contemplating going back to bed. Can’t believe that ‘I was asleep for three days’ is the best this kid came up with.

 _Ok, fine_  
_I had a couple days off after graduating basic and got arrested_

I smiled to myself and started to load arrests database.

**For what**

_For shouting at mars rover. Naked_

I laughed so hard, I dropped the cigarette and almost burnt myself.

**The hell you did? LOL**

_I was high_

**As a fucking kite. I bet you were**

_Yeah, yeah, fucking hilarious. I have a disciplinary hearing coming up. They might put me in confinement_

**No they won’t**

_How do you know?_

**I did that once**

_Screamed your head off at mars rovers?_

**No, ran around naked in basic**

_And they didn't put you in confinement for that?_

**Nah, it’s minor offense. But it depends on where you’re stationed at for your AIT**

_Near the brain crater, why?_

I logged into weekly arrests database and selected the location. Here we go. White Russian male arrested for drug violation and vandalism. Well, he certainly did more than screaming to get those charges.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before clicking on the mugshot. I was about to see my online companion of two weeks for the first time. Bitch was careful to not give me any leads on who he was, driving me nuts. But guess who’s smarter?

“Well, hello there,” I said, grinning. Two piercing gray eyes with pupils the size of a coin were staring back at me from my pad. The guy on the screen looked young, 18 at best, with bluishly pale skin and messy jet-black hair coming way past his collarbones. He looked disheveled, to say the list, but it definitely added some fuckabillity to his appearance. So smug, with a stuck-up smile on his face, as if he felt superior to those talking the photo despite wearing nothing but a military jacket.

My grin got bigger and I even got a bit of a hard on, partially because of how fuckable he looked, partially because of how smart I was about figuring it out. And they say navigators are smart. Abel would have never guessed to search the arrests database. I scrolled through his info.

**So, you’re from Samara City? Who would have thought**

_Did you look up my arrest records?_

**You bet your sweet ass I did**  
**Don’t beat yourself up though, I liked what I saw**

_I can deduct that from the sweet ass reference you shithead_

**You know how I look, it was about time I found out how you look**

_You know I’m in AIT now, right?_

**Yeah, what’s your point**

_The photo of ‘yourself’ you have on your profile is of Sleipnir’s lead fighter_  
_His portrait hangs in our great hall_  
_And guess what, it doesn’t fucking say Helios underneath it_

I froze for a second then lit up another cigarette, counting down all the legitimate reason why someone would put a fake name on their online profile. I quickly ran out of fingers, there were so many. I wondered if Encke knew his portrait was hanging in training bays. I also wondered if he would mind me catfishing people with it.


	3. Chapter 3

POV Cain

  
**I changed my name to remain incognito**

 _Dude, I might be occasionally high but as a rule not stupid_  
_You are no lead fighter, nor your name is Helios_

**Why didn't you call me out?**

_I love nonsense, it wakes up brain cells_

I didn't know what to say. Maybe for the first time in a while. It bothered me that I've been outed so easily. Who knew they hanged these stupid portraits around training bays? Who would want to see some random fighters and navigators anyway? Those people can’t motivate future alliance affiliates if their life depended on it. Bathroom slowly filled up with smoke, making my eyes itch a bit, forcing me to turn on the vents.

_So how do you want to proceed?_

**What you mean**

_Let me break it for you barney style_  
_Up till now we’ve been operating on the premise that none of us knew who the other one was_  
_It was fun and shit but now you know who I am_  
_Which sucks on its own level. But talking to someone not fully retarded once in a while is kind of nice_  
_I would agree to continue texting if you reveal your identity_

**Ok**

_How about your task name and place of service_

I waited for a second before typing the reply.

**It’s Abel, I’m one of Sleipnir’s navigators**

_Going down swinging, huh?_

I rolled my eyes. Damn this kid.

**What? I like sweets and my iguana’s name is Nevtone**

_What’s the most statistically probable system malfunction for a starfighter?_  
_And it’s Newton, you stupid fuck_

 **Go suck a dick**  
**I don’t know if it’s the most probable, but I once saw a ship being permanently grounded because a brainwashed navigator reprogrammed it**

_Yeah, right. There’s no way in hell you’re a navigator_

**I’m telling you**

_Cut it out_  
_We don’t have to do this if you’re hell-bent on being a lame-ass bitch_

**Tell me your task name first**

_You have my mugshot!_

**And I will send it to your new staff sergeant gladly**

_No you won’t_

**Do you understand a concept of blackmail?**

_Do you?_

**You could get thrown out of AIT for what you did**

_Yeah, about that_  
_I got arrested in front of my staff sergeant’s rover_  
_Call me a psychic but I have a sneaking suspicion he knows_

**Shit. I thought I owned your ass with that mugshot**

_Sorry to disappoint_  
_So how about your task name_

I bit my lip, thinking about the consequences of giving away my identity. It’s not like he can learn much from just my task name, right? Standing on the cold bathroom floor was getting real uncomfortable real quick and I shivered.

**Cain**

_Hi Cain_

**What’s your task name**

_Hydra_  
_A fighter and a wannabe navigator. We’re a dream team. Let’s take over the world_

**Are you still high?**

_Just tipsy_

**Go take a nap then. Those musters ain't gonna attend themselves**

I flushed my cigarette down the toilet and went back to bed, intending to make the best out of the last 40 minutes of sleep I had left.

_Cain?_

**Yeah?**

_Goodnight Cain_

**Night**

I didn't get much sleep at all. As soon as I got past worrying about whether or not Hydra could dig something on me with just my task name, the message came through intercom. Briefing was scheduled for 0800 hours. I cursed under my breath but got up, intending to shower in hot water, happy about Abel not being here to use it all up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the translation of Russian phrases see the chapter notes at the end

POV Cain

When I entered the briefing room, it was already packed full. Abel was eying me from the other side, trying to catch my gaze. I just ignored him and went to sit with Deimos. As the briefing started Keeler was blabbing about how Alliance was doing good and shit, but at the same time was slowly losing the war. Didn't make much sense, did it?

**I’m bored**

Keeler went on and on about discipline and courage, and how everyone should do their best. I wondered how the fuck were we supposed to do our best if the order was ‘stand by to stand by’.

**I told you to take a nap not slip into a coma. Did you die at drill or something?**

I was about to get annoyed, but my pad went off.

_Chill, I’m in class_

**Studying what? From which side to approach a starfighter?**

_Haha_

**I’m bored**

_So am I_

I looked over the room and realized they've been showing us some lame presentation on how we've been doing as a unit over the past few months. Didn't take a genius to notice that our numbers went to shit. I didn't mind failing as a unit though, as long as I was the best on the ship. Some navigators, Abel included, were taking notes. I rolled my eyes. How pathetic could they get?

**I’m so bored I could die. This briefing is hell**

_You've barely reached limbo_

**The hell is limbo?**

_Edge of hell. The firs out of 9 levels_  
_I’m way deeper_

**That’s some deep shit right there. What level are you at?**

_Well, considering my sergeant tore me a new one this morning, I’d say I’m at the level 2, which is lust_  
_But I’m pretty pissed about it so maybe I’m at level 5, which is anger_

I nickered. Deimos pushed me with his elbow, so I looked up. Encke was staring me down as he spoke. I pretended to pay him attention until his gaze moved to other fighters.

**What are you angry about? You screamed naked at his rover**

_That show wasn't meant for him_  
_And for someone as drunk as he was I'm baffled he remembers_

**Your AIT base is a fun place to be at. You have pics?**

_Show me yours I’ll show you mine_

**That’s a dangerous game you’re playing**

_Whatever. I’m so done here that even dick pics seem appropriate_  
_Maybe I’ll print them out and put on my sergeant’s door_

**That’s a way to pass AIT with flying colors**

_He wouldn't know it was me_

**I thought you've said you were occasionally high, not stupid**

_Yeah, you’re right. Let’s save dick pics for another day_

**I took a picture for nothing then. Fuck you**

_What kind of briefings are you having if you can casually take your dick out and snap a picture? Is it a new tactic alliance is employing? Naked people think better or some shit?_

I snickered hard and all of a sudden everyone in the brief room was staring at me. You know that stupid situation when someone says something that isn't even that funny, but you can’t stop laughing like a drain? Well, that was exactly it. I tried biting the inside of my cheek, but it didn't help. I covered my mouth with a hand but bent in half snickering just a few seconds later.

Abel shoot me a concerned look. Deimos played possum. Encke stared me down with a silent promised to murder me as soon as he was done talking. I bit my lip and tried to breath through my nose. That didn't help either. I burst out laughing, tears already in my eyes.

“Reliant!” Encke called me out.

“Sir?” I said, standing up. I bit down on my lip hard until it tasted like metal, my mouth still trembling.

“I said stay on task, quit fucking around and don’t get distracted. What part of that don’t you understand, you fuckhead?”

I licked my lips, not entirely sure what I was supposed to say. I had a feeling that ‘sorry, sir’ wasn't gonna cut it. I wondered what his face would look like if I said I was actually staying on task.

“Report to physical training. Now!”

“Yes, sir!” I said, already on my way out of the briefing room. I wasn't even mad. Doing a couple of attack runs or sweating through an alpha sequence was better than whatever the hell they were doing in that briefing.

**Hope you’re glad. Now my supervisor tore me a new one**

_You have pics?_

Asshole, I thought to myself heading for the fighters level to receive my punishment.

****

After I was done with physical training I went straight to the mess deck to see what was left from dinner. Unsurprisingly, corned beef we were having was one step up above dog food. As I was filling my plate Deimos touched me by the elbow.

“Chto tam yeshche?” I asked. Deimos nodded his head at one of the tables. I looked over there. Abel. He all but jumped in his sit when our eyes met. Deimos made a step towards him, but I caught him by the arm. “We’re so not going there!” I said and dragged him in another direction.

I picked an empty table on the other side of the mess deck and sat there with my back to Abel. Deimos sat on the other side right in front of me. He looked as if he was questioning my sanity.

“What? I can hear you thinking.”

“What’s up with you?” he asked, voice raspy.

“Nothing.” Deimos gave me a long look. “What?”

“You and your precious princess broke up?”

“Shut up. The food is nauseating as it is,” I said, poking around my plate. “He became really annoying.”

“He always was. Your head was just way up your ass to see that,” Deimos said, eying something over my shoulder.

“You know what was the most annoying?” I said, staring Deimos down. “He talked too much.” Deimos rose an eyebrow but dropped the subject.

“You've acquired sixty-four leave days,” he said instead, as if it meant anything.

“So?”

“You can’t carry more than sixty leave days into the next year. Encke said you have to take a vacation.”

“Since when he gives a crap about that kind of stuff?” I said annoyed.

“Well, Encke said, and I quote here, ‘if he sees your stupid face tomorrow he’d turn you into bloody mush’.”

“Where the fuck am I supposed to go for four days?!” I said a bit too loudly. A couple people turned their heads to see what was going on.

Who the hell does Encke think he is, telling his staff to get lost like that? Didn't he used to tell us how he liked things ‘by the book’? Well, guess what, ‘by the book’ he was supposed to notify me two weeks in advance, so I could make arrangements. Or was it me who was supposed to notify him? It definitely had to be one or the other, not ‘I don’t wanna see you tomorrow’ crap he was trying to pull.

“Transfer ship will be here at 1800 hours. They’re taking us on a cruise ship,” Deimos said, lowering his voice and leaning forward, so that all those curious souls around here wouldn't have the chance to eavesdrop on our conversation. 

“Us? You’re going?”

“I also have leave days,” Deimos said, making a wry face. He looked as unhappy about the ordeal as I felt.

“Tell me about this vocation.”

“It’s an overnight transfer there and back with two nights and three days on the cruise ship.”

I hated transfer ships to be honest. They were nothing but an overpriced shithole. Nothing special about them. Just a piece of shit spaceship where people drink and look at each other’s butts. An overnight transfer didn't sound that bad though. By the time you’d get really agitated and antsy, ready to get the hell out of there, you’d be reaching your destination.

“We might as well start pregaming,” I said, giving Deimos a wicked look. “Alcohol on those transfer ships is fucking expensive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chto tam yeshche? = What now?


End file.
